'The Good old Days'

I went out briefly after a night at work, and even though the club was quiet, I looked around the place and wondered 'Where did it all go?' The place used to be PACKED, til five in the morning, people were PUMPING in the foyer for about an hour, it was manic. By 4:42, not even a HINT of glitter amongst the tumbleweed that rolled along the empty dancefloor. Could it be the cost of Alcohol? The ridiculous rules that it takes to go out nowadays? Big Brother and the threat of Sniffer Dogs ruin an amazing night? No Smoking laws? No-ones doing Drugs anymore, no-one's drinking anymore anyway.... The fight for Equality means we have to lower the flag; Can't call it a 'Gay' pub anymore; It's discriminatory... Technology has a major part in the social decline of popular (and seemingly legendary) Nightclubs and Pubs, well, the scene, really. Where we lived in a day and age of having to go OUT to these places to pick up, have a drink with friends or just to be social, nowadays the kids don't HAVE to go out to achieve these. If we want to speak to a friend, there's Facebook. If we want to hook up there's Grindr, if we want to have a few drinks, it's cheaper to drink at home and be 'Amazing' on FB AND Grindr at the same time, and with a little lighting, some music and beer and a few friends over, all of a sudden it's like the good old days... Or is it? I think looking back, we didn't REALLY know that things would change as much as they did. We took such pride in the fact the the place was pumping, there was a sense of achievement, that THIS is how a scene WORKS!... Nowadays there are no requests; the DJ presses a button and walks away. Like a parent taking away the stereo but playing the Record Player for some background noise, it's hardly social. Not one staff member smiles anymore, ANYWHERE - no-one likes their job (I like mine though, which is odd...) There are cameras EVERYWHERE, your every move/scratch/score is tracked if not by grainy cctv cameras but SOMEONES IPhone is bound to catch you SOMEWHERE throughout the night in a drunken moment. You can't smoke inside now, so no-one want's to smell people that have actually BEEN dancing (for three hours, mind you, peaking quietly all the while) and the fine layer of smoke that impersonated ambiance so well that without it, it seems just.... not right. The Beer Garden is full of people, all crammed like sardines into the permitted area allotted for the Smokers, the rest just the non-smokers, (after realising that all the cool people are upstairs) who want someone to talk to or fall over in front of, so they come up and bother the smokers like it's Ok. It's THEIR FAULT were having to have an empty club while the Beer Garden is going off! It USED to be the other way around, we only REALLY used the Garden for a breath of fresh air, then it was back down the stairs to where the life and the party was! To buy a round of drinks for your friends (and the odd leeches that are ALWAYS lingering, you know who you are...), virtually means gambling with half of your rent. It's so EXPENSIVE to go out, Smokes are only costing more, and if your not throwing them around like candy in a good mood, you're also giving them away to other people who are just as fed up with you but don't HAVE any so you give 'em one to shut 'em up. Not that it matters anyway, they're banning it in certain public places soon, so were all screwed anyway. I look around now and think... We've got Equality (Marriage is just a stones throw away), now what? We lost the scene cause we went out and had kids and became suburban like never before. The flag was lowered and someone or something Gay is everywhere; On the radio, TV, Movies, Athletes, Politics; EVERYWHERE. VIRTUALLY accepted by the majority, let's face it, it's been a long hard road that some of these kids nowadays will have NO IDEA, on the struggle it was to get here, now THERE'S an idea for a Sydney Mardis Gras Theme. The struggle to get to where we are. We had to sacrifice a few things in order for this integration into society; Calling them 'Gay Clubs' and 'Gay Pubs' are discriminatory, the flag comes down and you are just 'a venue that has Drag Queens on a Friday Night'... Picnic is the greatest example; In our wildest DREAMS of picnic in years gone past would we see more than a handful of kids at picnic, now there are more families with kids than there are partygoers! How long will it take for all THAT fun to be stamped on? It's only a matter of time before some new ruling puts a dampener on public gatherings.... Life is now very different from what it was ten years ago, everything is getting faster and more choice than ever before. Video shops closed down, Foxtel dominates the TV and the WEB, what an overloaded EXPLOSION of Entertainment! And you can now watch, anything, anywhere, anytime, call, video, skype someone, yet get on a bus one day; No-one looks up as they leave it! They're all looking down on their devices, the only control they have on their lives, in the digital world; EVERYTHING is perfect. It's so much that I am tempted to turn it all off and run to one of the last few places that isn't 'digitally dependent' and relive the days before the devices took over. Where TV was something I only went to when I was bored. Where there was comfort in the pace of the world, it wasn't going TOO fast... Where the outdoors fascinated me like the Internet does now. A day on the beach, surfing, laughing, watching the sunset and with it, the exhaustive day extinguish beyond the crashing waves... without ONCE thinking of yet another way to rid the world of a Kardashian. Oh technology DOES wonders, yet were all going to become fat know-it-all's with a digital Avatar that we trust more than ourselves and my fears will be confirmed; Wall-E was right... I'm guessing that soon we will have 'Virtual Pubs', and we'll all be sitting at home with them goggles on, having a great time like the 'Good Old Days'; Yet at the same time, it will be nothing LIKE the 'Good Old Days'... Sigh... Til next time, Gentle Readers, MWAH!

When NOT To Laugh...

Fabulous! Just what I needed, some inspiration! I am so thrilled with the new prospects that I see before me, and am wholly intent on carrying them out (clearly the hard way is getting me nowhere fast) Knowing what I have to sacrifice when I REALLY look at it, it's not impossible. And seeing as how all the anger and hatred at my self-loathing attitude is slowly dissipating, I am finding myself flirting with intent... I am also all too aware of how short life really is, as I had to attend a Funeral this week. A friend whom I have not seen in a long time, and that was evident as he saw me walking down the foyer, but hey; That's what friends are for. You may not hear from them in ages, but when it matters; they are there. I can't help but face my fear of 'needing to lighten up the place' whenever things get stressful and tense. Almost every funeral I have ever been to I have had to (at some point) suppress giggles, it's usually just a reaction to the amount of heaviness in the room, PLUS I find it EXTREMELY hard to NOT laugh under pressure, which I usually find a challenge in, but thank GOD it wasn't like my Uncle Barina's Funeral! Uncle Barina was really just Barry. Born in Roxby and raised in a dugout in Coober Pedy he made his living as a lived in (a small suburb of Victor Harbor), he always had a hidden impulse to get dressed up in his Mothers clothes and perform a traditional Hula/strip, ending up naked with firecrackers up his behind, (not on the beach, like the Desmond Family, but on the roof of his shed, OVERLOOKING the beach) Well, no-one knew he did this for years, until he fell, and was found quite, quite, comatose, and quite, quite naked, and when they put him in the hearse, another cracker had gone off, scaring the shit out of the driver who then rammed a foot to the floor and drove off a cliff to both their - well, to HIS death. So you can imagine that when sitting in a double funeral and the Service Minister accidentally presses 'RADIO' instead of 'DVD' and Katy Perry's 'Firework' comes on, My Dears, I could barely CONTAIN myself! Not only did I pierce the room with a snort like Grace from Will & Grace, but I spat my water across the room and wilted the flowers on the drivers coffin! But I regained my composure in this one, as I will the next one, so don't panic, if it's yours that I'm going to... MWAH! xx

Anger is NOT the answer... But it feels better...

So I got offered a gig in town, but before I've even said yes the rumors are rife.

God people in this town are a fucking nightmare sometimes.

And yes, that includes me.

Not only am I waiting to see if it gets gobbled up by another performer (yet again) but I am also reminded of how much I despise putting on that damn wig again.

'Friends' (I use that term VERY loosely) that prefer me to be down and out and have nothing instead of any kind of success have long abandoned any kind of promising or true acts of kindness and I am all too aware that it is far easier to 'discuss concerns' with others than your own self, leaving me to be put in a position where I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

And I really can't BE damned, been there, done that.

The fact that I despise being on a stage performing to people who would rather see me in a fight with some other queen that displaying any kind of talent makes me sick to the stomach.

And let's face it, everybody wants something different, yet no-one with a stage wants it to go on, as manipulative power trips are STILL the way of the day... Such a shame when people don't move on after so many years...


I live in a circus where I am now nothing but the popcorn stand; if I'm on stage I get treated like a cunt, if I'm not then I don't exist... (yet I'm sure that this is justified to those that 'discuss concerns').. but what would I know...? I'm just there, really.

I could count on five hands the amount of people that I USED to trust that have fled to performers that are seen more often because I am not seen that often and I'm ok with that; Just don't question it if I'm hardly receptive - one can only take so much backstabbing, you know...

I don't know what I've done to have my life being played out like this, and I no longer care. I'm finding more and more often that I just can't wait for all of this to be over.

And THAT is a fact.

I no longer have the drive, inclination or desire to make people laugh, unfortunately for me it just happens naturally; Only I'm not there to do it...

I'm INCHES away from deleting any profile I've ever had and fading away into the sunset so I can (hopefully) go somewhere, be a nobody and try to make the world a better place by not being seen or heard, it IS after all, the only message that I see from the people who (USED to) call themselves friends...

People are beginning to become incredibly ugly, uglier than before... Or maybe I've just never noticed it til now? Either way, the world is becoming less and less appealing for me to shine in it...

That is all.